Shoulds come from the outside and not from within. They are the opinion of someone else and not our own. Shoulds are what other people want us to do. In childhood and as young adults we heard the should word a lot. We learned to do what we were told we should do because we feared the consequences if we didn't.

Our children, spouses, parents, families and friends may still be shoulding on us into doing what they think is best or manipulating us into doing what they want. We fear rejection if we don't comply and then we feel guilty and start shoulding on ourselves. You know that self talk..maybe I should do what they want, it really is not that big of a deal, or is it?

People treat us the way we have taught them and if they are accustomed to shoulding on us, then why would they not continue to do so? We need to teach them differently.

No one has the right to should on you unless you allow it. The best way to stop them in their tracks is to calmly say, do not should on me and I will not should on you, that is s-h-o-u-l-d. Be sure to spell it for them so they won't think you used a four letter word instead of six. There may be silence for a moment followed by laughter. You have politely made your point and they will most likely remember it, although you may need to remind them once in a while.

When you have used this exercise several times and have seen the results you will soon realize that people have stopped shoulding on you and you are no longer shoulding on yourself. Become aware of the temptation to use the should word with yourself or with others and then reframe it.

My motto:
Don't should on me, I won't should on you or should on myself!